just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
