I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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