You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Be still, my beating vagina.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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