You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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