I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
