I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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