I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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