Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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