I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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