i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
