My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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