Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
