Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i love accidental penises.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
