I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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