a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
