i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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