I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
