some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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