i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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