There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
