Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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