So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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