How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
