I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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