I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
