so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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