Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
