Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
