remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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