It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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