Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
