Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
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I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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