He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
