My friends, they love my intelligence
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
