I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
