i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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