explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
