My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
