we have pet lesbian snakes
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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