I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
