Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
