I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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