My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
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You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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