I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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