The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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