just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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