If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
