is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
