I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
