god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
