You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
