Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
