I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
