i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
