So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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