I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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