how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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