According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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