my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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