I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he wants to bone in the snuggie
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
