Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
