She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
