On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
