Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
